Bala karthiga M

My Dearest Amma,

All along my life, I’ve never known fear ma.  I’ve never had stage fright. I’ve never feared to speak out my feelings. I’ve never been scared to stand by my personal values and principles. I’ve never feared to stand for what I believe. It’s all because you taught me well. You taught me to be that gutsy out-spoken girl that I’ve grown up to be.

But now, I’m scared ma.

Though I hate to admit it, I am.  I’m scared that I won’t be able to give you all that I wanted to. I’m scared that I will fall short of all the expectations I have for myself.  I’m scared that the fever will relapse and I will put you through everything we dealt with for the past three months, all over again.

I really was a handful when I was growing up, wasn’t I ma? I was stubborn, talkative and had big unrealistic dreams. I expected the whole world to go by my rule book and I would get angry if it didn’t.  I was a control freak and I have given you a really tough parenting phase, not because I was being a confused teen, but because I was an annoying old soul trapped in a child’s body. I made you give up your career and allowed you to get back to work only after I graduated from school. I’m so sorry, but I did not like to come home and not find you waiting for me. (Even now I feel lonely if you’re not home, but I understand that teaching makes you happy and you can do it as long as you want to). You made so many sacrifices for me, Ma.

I’m scared if all that would be for vain.

The past three months, we have been through a lot. Sibi was at Meenu’s place. Both you and daddy completely forgot the fact that you had a son and dedicated all your time for me. Frequent hospital visits, blood tests and scans were all that we did this summer. I remember that one particular day when Sibi came to visit us at the hospital.

He looked at you longingly, rested his head on your lap and said “Amma, when will you come home?”

I don’t know about you ma, but that look on his eyes when he said that, killed me. I realized how selfish I had been, keeping you all to myself for a full three months. It was unfair. He must’ve missed you so much and I had tampered upon the pattern of his normal life as well. Though Meenu and Laavan pampered him and took care of him while we were away, I know that deep down he still wanted to be home. Having a sick sister must have made things complicated for him.

I’m scared if I’ll not be the big sister I planned on being, Ma.

Daddy has all his hopes pinned up on me. He thinks I’ve got the potential to be good at any field I choose.  He thinks I’m Wonder Woman. I know he over-estimates my abilities, but I’ve always enjoyed at how much perks I’ve had from him. But now ma, I’m scared if he will know I’m scared.

My abilities are at stake, Ma. And that scares me more than anything else. I can’t write like before. My mind is contaminated with depressing memories of the hospital. I can’t transform the plots in my head into a compelling tale. It’s all I ever wanted to do Ma. I just wanted to write. But I’m scared the spark is gone.

I’m not going to lie, Ma. My courage is failing. I know it’s a disgrace to the incredible upbringing I’ve had, but I do fear. I love you ma. You’re my soul mate.  You defined faith for me.

You gave me everything Ma. Of all the things you’ve given me, I’m most grateful for the DNA.  Sibi might have got your good-looks, but you gave me your brains and daddy’s analytic thinking skills. You gave me everything and I’m scared I won’t be able to give much in return.

Yes, 20 is such a young age. I did suffer. Yes, it was painful. And it still traumatizes me.

But it doesn’t scare me.

You know what does?

That you love me so much.

Yours Forever,

Bala.