Bala karthiga M

For the longest time now, I’ve felt like an impostor on earth. It’s one of my strongest feelings about myself – I’m constantly trying to pretend and play along to certain notions and principles that just don’t make sense to my gut instinct.

One such notion is ‘enjoying’ life.

When people hear me say, ‘I’m optimistic, kind and warm,’ they give me an accepting smile.

When people hear me say, ‘I want to do a SWOT analysis of my current position in life so that I can make better plans for my future and minimize risks,’ their faces just turn sour.

‘You can’t control everything, Bala.’

‘Stop being so paranoid.’

‘Why can’t you enjoy life? Isn’t life much better when you enjoy it instead of dissecting and analyzing it?’

I AM JUST TIRED OF THESE QUESTIONS, GOD! 

I am just exhausted at the amount of blind, quick judgments [and endless lectures] I get when I say I am someone who cares about my life, the thoughts and actions I put into it, and I never focus much on enjoying it.

Suppose I’d written the title of this post as ‘Why do I enjoy life?’ I’m pretty sure I’d have stirred up some traffic and some people might have called me up and asked if I was okay.

Cuz hey  –  the general norm is that life should be enjoyed and well, if you are contemplating why you are enjoying life, you’d be asked to take medication that may cure the imbalance of the chemicals your brain.

You see, the way people react to the negative in the title of this post – “why Don’t I enjoy life” is my problem.

This negative, seems to suggest a norm. It seems to establish a certain idea that enjoyment is the norm, and anything other than it is a deviation of that norm.

‘Oh my. What’s wrong with her? This is such a stressful attitude to have in life at such a young age,’ you’re probably thinking as you read this.

But I assure you. I live a content, well-balanced life.

My question is, has it ever occurred to us that a filmy, liberal, pleasure-seeking attitude in life can also be a downer?

Why do people offer sympathy and pity when I say I don’t enjoy life? I mean, well I hope there’s a less hostile way to put this, but have you ever asked yourself why you enjoy life?

If so, how enjoyable is life supposed to be? Who sets the metrics here?  And when you say you want to enjoy life, do you mean life as a whole concept of existence, or just your life?

First of all, before you ask me to “enjoy” my life better, do you care explaining this:

What counts as your life?

Do you begin at your birth? Do you end with your death? And what happens to all the hazy muddly stuff that goes on between the two?

Do you have answers to the bigger questions that this conversation leads to? WHAT IS LIFE?

The reason I don’t “enjoy” life is, I have more questions than answers.

Sometimes, I try to answer these questions but most of the time I just end up with a bigger, more densely packed set of entirely different questions.

You see,

Some of us maybe stressed. Some of us maybe overworked.

Some of us are probably struggling with the weight of being new parents or trying to get through a loveless marriage. Some of us maybe trying to move from one bad relationship to another. Some of us might be trying to get up after a career set back or a general set back in life. Some of us are probably plotting for world domination, some of us maybe be simply stressed out as to why Kenny Sebastian hasn’t put up a new video on his YouTube channel yet –

( *insert internal fangirl scream* WE WANT SEASON TWO OF CHAI TIME AND STAR BOYZ KENNY!!)

Hey, we don’t know each other, okay?

But whatever it is, whatever you are going through – our fundamental dynamics as a society is to co-exist, share gestures, words and actions that we hope helps. Cast aside misery and enjoyment – that does not change the fact that as a species, we depend on kindness.

Whether you enjoy life, or don’t is absolutely irrelevant here. How many lives you touch, and how you touch them – that’s what we’re all based on.

I’m not a pessimist. If you get to read other posts on this blog, or have known me personally, you’ll know that I’m a bright, happy person. I root for positivity, good vibes and love.

However, I also strongly believe that the very deluded idea of telling our young people ‘Enjoy your life da kanna!’ is such a toxic myth.

It just isn’t real. 

I cannot emphasize this enough – true happiness isn’t measured by how much you “enjoy” life. Happiness is a spiritual process. It has nothing to do with what you do.

Here’s something I know deep in my heart.

Strength or even happiness for that matter, isn’t pretending to be something you’re not. It’s having the courage to live from the truth of who you are.

In short, spreading the ‘Enjoy Your Life!’ propaganda is a way to set one general standard of happiness – a promise of a certain way to live that is okay, and a assuming that every other way isn’t. When you are asking people to ‘enjoy’ their lives, you are intrinsically promoting a culture…..

A culture of dissatisfaction.

Of want.

Of disease.

Telling people to enjoy life, is the ultimate marketing stunt of all time. You are telling them, ‘this isn’t what I want you to live like and I think you would look cooler if you did the following things that make others believe you are happy because these are the things that count as “enjoying”.

You are trying to sell a lifestyle antidote to their ‘misery’ and you eventually have an entire population drugged.

When I say I do not enjoy my life – I do not mean that I am not happy.

I am happy. I am at peace. I love my job.

But popular culture’s Going-On-A-Road-Trip-Slash-Singing-At-The-Top-Of-A-Mountain-Slash-Living-Up-To-My-Bucket-List-Slash-Having-The-Perfect-Relationship-Slash-Spending-My-Money-On-Impulsive-Sprees-Slash-Being-A-RomCom-Heroine isn’t who I am.

Being practical, worrisome, obsessive and trying to stay in control of what happens in my life is who I am.

That’s my DNA.

XOXO,

Bala ❤

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